What a difference 49 days can make. That’s when I last wrote something down. But I’m not ready to share that yet and probably never will be. I have never been very good at writing down how I feel when life is going well but I promised myself that if they ever did again, I would write about it so I could look over it when all seemed hopeless again. I don’t know how things change and sometimes it isn’t until I am safely back on shore and can see the roaring sea behind me, that I even realise they have. I need to stop and realise more. Not just be thankful for a couple of seconds a day and then carry on rushing about.
I think sometimes I am scared to look back and I’d rather block out the blackness than risk losing the stability and peace I have found. I aim to be really fucking proud of myself this year and so far, my God, I am. For a start, I haven’t had even a sip of alcohol in over 50 days. This is a huge achievement for me. I think it would be a huge achievement for anyone in today’s society but for the girl who always had a drink in her hand, would be at every party and spent a decade living out every drunken adventure/misadventure, it is astronomical. More on that another day.
I didn’t think I’d make such huge improvements in such a short space of time but I had a different kind of determination this time. I was ready to be true to myself and finally give myself the best shot at a happy ending. It hasn’t all been easy, in fact this is probably the hardest I have fought. At times it felt like there was something physically dragging me down whilst I pushed harder and harder to just keep going. There was a whole few weeks in there in which I thought if my heart kept beating out of my chest as it was, it was surely going to actually stop. There were times I thought I’d never recognise the girl staring back at me in the mirror and that none of the struggling would be worth it.
But it has been worth it. Every laugh with the people I love has been worth it. Forgetting about my own brain for a few hours whilst spending time with those who are always there has been worth it. Going to sleep next to the girl I love and knowing we are both content, safe and about to fall into a peaceful dream world is always worth it.
I guess this is just to remind myself that it will probably be hard again. Maybe not as hard or maybe at the time it will feel worse. But time is the only thing that always moves, and as it does pain become lesser and the cracks start to let in the light. You always find yourself again. Eventually. You may never be the same but with any luck you’ll be a stronger, more powerful and absolutely undeniable version of you.