October 2016


The days aren’t as dark as they used to be. The misty fog that once covered everything I saw has mostly lifted. As I’m writing this I’ve nearly deleted it all 3 times up to this point. As though I’m going to jinx myself and tomorrow I’ll wake up and have to say “I told you so, you spoke too soon” to that part of my brain which is never still. That part of my brain has slowed down a little though, it’s no longer as constantly frantic, no longer questioning every move, every word, every breath. In fact sometimes I don’t ever think of it at all. Which is great. It’s like when you have an awful break up with someone and your friends tell you that one day you’ll realise you haven’t thought of them for 24 hours and you will smile because you know your life isn’t over. You know you can live without them. I can’t live without my mind. But I am learning to live alongside it. To not be so hard on myself when I am having a shit day. I do still have shit days. And every time I do I have thoughts of spiralling out of control and that That my mind’s been pushed too far this time, it’s exhausted, it’s had enough and it is just going to shut down now. Goodbye. But it doesn’t and I don’t and over time I’ve become pretty proud of that.

I don’t know how you feel or if you’re having a shit day. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking what the hell is she talking about because maybe you’ve never been so inside yourself that you can feel every tiniest sensation and every breath hurts. And no you’re not lucky that hasn’t happened to you. Luck is no part of it. Or maybe you’re reading this and you do understand. It’s about separating a bad day from a bad week, a bad month from a bad year. Maybe you think this is just the way you are now. That you’re going to have to always be someone you never imagined or ever wanted to be. Either that or give up completely. That’s what I thought. And somehow, and I’d love to give you some amazing explanation or solution as to how I did it, but realistically some days it was just breathing until it was over, or putting one foot in front of the other and hoping I didn’t die. Keep going. Even if you feel like you’re going to explode from the frustration and ALL THE FEELINGS.

Eventually, and it may be no quick process, a tiny bit of light comes back into focus, then a tiny bit more, then you go a day when you haven’t nearly burst into tears 10 times, then you laugh at something someone says, but actually laugh, none of that fake shit…..and on and on. It sounds so cliche but be really bloody kind to yourself. Don’t expect too much. It’s the hardest battle you’ll ever win.



I had almost given up daring to think something could mean anything,
To me the world became mundane, a lack of light, a lack of beauty, just routine.

And perhaps I wanted to stay that way a while, without the fear, to live simply.

But I’ve spent too many nights awake, whilst people like you are dreaming, to even consider I’d ever be truly free.

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