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rmparrish

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August 2015

Decisions.

I’ve been deliberating for some time now about making this blog public. It already is in the way that you just need to search my name followed by blog on Google and there I am 🙂 I mean whether to make it more accessible; to link to it from my social media accounts. I would love as many people as possible to read my writing. If it was about beauty products or fashion there would be no questioning. But it isn’t, it’s about my personal life, my own struggles with my mind. I imagine a lot of people would feel that these kinds of things should stay private, locked away and spoken about only in whispers between friends or therapists. I don’t agree. I believe the longer those thoughts go on, the longer the subjects I address in this blog are kept as dirty laundry then the longer the stigma attached with mental health disorders will go on and the more lives will be lost. Quite a lot of people in my life know that I suffer from anxiety and depression. Not that many know the extent to which it has affected my daily life.

Making this blog known to more people; including those people I have known for years, or work with, or have recently befriended is a huge decision. I do worry what people will think of me. I hope they realise that I am the same person even if I have experienced different thoughts to them. I’m not a danger to anyone, I’m not violent, I won’t burst into tears over one harsh comment, I do still laugh, I do still have fun, I don’t want to kill myself, I do want to get better. If the past couple of years has taught me anything it’s that I must try and always see a positive in every circumstance. I feel that if even one person can identify with something I’ve wrote then I’m doing the right thing sharing this with my world. I absolutely love this quote by Glenn Close which is so true to life in 2015; “It is an odd paradox that a society, which can now speak openly and unabashedly about topics that were once unspeakable, still remains largely silent when it comes to mental illness.”

Setbacks are temporary.

That’s what you must remember.

This week that’s what I must remember. I returned to work after long term sickness due to my increasing anxiety & low mood. I lasted two shifts until once again I had to admit that, that day in particular, the anxiety was too much and I couldn’t jeopardise my progress by forcing myself to work through it.

Over the last week I have learnt something new. Something I haven’t considered to be true for a long time. People are lovely. At their very best people can astound and amaze you with their kindness and empathy. All around us in the media there are reports of people acting at their very worse; bombings, rapes, murders, but this week I saw love. Love from people I didn’t know even thought of me, love from people that know very little about me, love from people I thought would have forgotten about me long ago.

That love has kept me going during this latest setback. Knowing that I do have people to talk to about even the darkest thoughts means that they don’t need to be trapped inside my own mind. It means I can make them feel a tiny bit smaller by sharing them with someone else. It means that I can treat this illness like it was any other and not feel excluded from society. Sometimes all it takes is a few kind words.

Looking to the future is difficult at the moment. In fact, it’s always difficult for me but more so now. I have to remember I’ve been much lower than this before. I’m going about my daily business the best I possibly can and I’m writing through the storm. Tomorrow is my first detailed counselling session. In the past I have been guilty of feeling sceptical about treatment I have been offered, when you’re stuck inside your own mind it’s hard to feel someone who doesn’t know you will be able to help at all, but this time I’m positive. I have to find what works for me. Everything is worth giving a shot if it can make me feel a tiny bit more like the old me.

Give Me Strength (A Haiku)

Give Me Strength (A Haiku).

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